A Great Story
NOTE: This story was amassed on the mindlessbullshit forums, one sentence at a time. Several forum members contributed. Some parts may not be completely coherent, but that shouldn't stop you from enjoying it.
I woke up one morning with the worst fucking hangover ever. I wasn't sure where I was. The phone rang. It was an escort service. I couldn’t believe whose voice was on the end telling me about last night. It was Bart Savagewood, my old college roommate, now a commando in the Green Beret. I hadn't talked to him in years, but for the life of me I couldn't figure out what he had to do with an escort service. "Bart, you old son of a bitch!" I said. "Since when do you work for an escort service?"
Bart replied, "Since the operation, of course."
"Oh that's right, how could I forget," I replied. With that, the whiskey fell from the table, alarming the neighboring apartment's Schnauzer. I thought to myself, it's funny because I don't remember drinking whiskey last night. The Schnauzer began barking, aggravating my hangover headache. I suddenly realized I had to take a major piss. I punched through the wall, grabbed the schnauzer by the throat and pissed all over it. Funny thing about that is that he liked it and began slurping up the piss that drizzled onto the floor. The owners of the Schnauzer didn't appreciate that at all. In fact they said that this would be the last time they allowed this to happen. Making one last check on the schnauzer, I quickly gathered my belongings and headed towards the rendezvous spot that Bart and I had agreed upon. Then I realized, "Fuck I’m still on the phone!" I immediately hung up the phone, thinking the roaming fees and long distance charges were going to fuck me up the ass. So I left to meet Bart, but as I did that something rather strange happened. As I was walking down the hallway, an old lady with a tall, pointed hat started hissing at me. I tried to avoid looking her direction, but I couldn't ignore the football-sized goiter sticking out of her neck. She glared at me with those big, red, beady eyes.
She pointed her long, crooked finger at me and said, “Unless you can break the Mindless Bullshit posting record, currently being held by Leafsmack, by the end of the day today, I will randomly kill one member of the forum.”
I said, "No time for you old hag, I got to meet Bart." So I stabbed her in the goiter with a #2 pencil stub that was lying on the floor and ran for the door while she hurled ancient druid curses at me.
“God that was close, but no time to worry about that; I’m in a hurry. But in a hurry for what? O Yeah. Bart!” Grabbing all of my personal belongings: gun, wallet, pack of certs, loose change and dildo, I dashed through the doors and jumped in a waiting cab to go meet Bart. The cab smelled like a wet fur sandwich on moldy rye and hit me like an avalanche as I slid into the cracked vinyl seat. The cab driver was conveniently named Habib Sharkarmuhammedalishahpatel. He blabbered something that sounded like what a terrorist would say, so I bitch slapped him stole his wallet and took off like a banshee. I ran for two blocks before I ducked for cover inside a porn shop. Blending in the best I could, I picked up a copy of Barely Legal and began to browse, ever present of the growing danger which was all around me. As I was backing away from a suspicious looking character in a Yankees hat, an arm grabbed me and pulled me into a video booth, lit only by a video of an old lady leading a German shepherd into a seedy motel room. God only knows what kind of action the old lady got in that hotel room. I couldn’t believe it was Bart; how did he find me here? The more pressing question was why he had his hand down my pants. I thought this was a strictly business relationship, but I won't lie it felt pretty damn good. But then I heard the sirens approaching.
I said, "Come on Bart, Faster. I wanna get off before they get here,” when all the sudden he stopped before saying, “I’ll finish when we finish our business.” Now with a serious look on his face, Bart asked me if I had the eye of the tiger. I realized it was more the thrill of the fight that enticed me, and I drew out my 'nine and prepared for those pigs that were quickly approaching the entrance to the shop.
"No," Bart said. "Through here." And with that he kicked open a secret passage leading out of the booth and into the back alley where scrambled over sleeping bums and onto his Harley. We roared out of the alley and back on to the main street, out of site of the pigs.
"Damn it, I really wanted to waste those suckers,” I thought to myself. Luckily I had the cool, calm and collect Bart Savagewood at my side. After about 7 minutes Bart took me to his hideout on the docks. We found we were six minutes too late because the docks were in flames.
The cool, calm and collected Bart just looked at me and said, "My fucking hideout is in those flames.” Always the consummate professional, Bart whipped out his sub space communicator and radioed back to base, which was located, not so conveniently, on the dark side of the moon.
"Speak to me!" said Bart frantically on the radio, because he realized he had to be On The Run, or he would be out of Time. I began to think that Bart had some Brain Damage from his accident a few years back. Sensing my apprehension about the mission, Bart jumped off his motorcycle, ran 30 clicks to his left and pulled the tarp off of an Apache helicopter, loaded to the max with guns, rockets and bombs. I followed like I was attached to his ass. I looked up and saw a Great Gig in the Sky! But then the great gig exploded, sending shrapnel straight for the crotch of Bart Savagewood! As the shrapnel ripped some of his flesh away, I saw the truth, this wasn't the real Bart, it was an android! What I didn't realize is the Apache was still intact so I flew away in it. But even though the android Bart had loaded it to the gills with weapons, it had forgotten what the real Bart never would have, gas. I heard the engine sputter as the rotors locked up in mid air. As the apache began to sputter and heave towards earth, I mustered all my strength to grab a parachute from under the seat, strap it on and bail out the side door. Much to my surprise, Vincent Price appeared to me as a ghost as I started to fall. I wondered what the hell he wanted, or if I didn't survive the accident and I was actually dead, but then the parachute opened and I began to descend slowly with Vincent still beside me. I began to realize that Vincent was simply a figment of my imagination or, in a strange twist, my voice of reason. Reason would have to take a backseat, because I was nearing the android’s firing range. Lucky for me, good ol' Savagewood had a glock strapped to the parachute holster and I was able to take out the android with a few well placed shots, but the bad news was that the android had already shot a hole in my parachute. As soon as I had noticed the hole in my parachute...Vincent began to laugh his scary laugh (same as in thriller video). I dropped faster and faster towards the concrete. Then I remembered the Thriller video and started busting out zombie-like dance moves, which cushioned me for the impact. After hitting the earth with more velocity than I really cared for, I picked myself up off the ground, dusted off, lit up a smoke and began to ponder the implications of what the fuck was going on.
I figured I was fucked if I stood around in one place, so I began walking to what looked like an old building off in the distance. As I entered the building I was overcome with the powerful stench of sex and antiseptic spray. The lights were low, and it seemed to be some type of abandoned warehouse. I walked over to read a dust ridden crate, but first I had to wipe the dust off it. It turned out the crate wasn't covered in dust; it was covered in dried up Sea Monkeys. As I scraped away the dried bio matter from the top of the crate and read the top, I immediately felt the blood drain from my face and the sweat began to pour as I read: CAUTION - BIOHAZARD - EXTRA TERRESTRIAL DNA - SAMPLE KF3TI4799547 - I. Then I scrapped away the rest of the sea monkey residue and it said CAUTION - BIOHAZARD - EXTRA TERRESTRIAL DNA - SAMPLE KF3TI4799547 - I am just kidding. The truth is that I don't know how to read, and sometimes I just make up scary shit about aliens in my head, so I slowly opened the crate with a sledgehammer. Upon glancing in the box I saw more solar powered dildos than I had ever seen before in my life. The crate came apart like a peanut being stepped on by a 1,400 pound man. I was about to come up with another awkward sounding simile when the dildos began humming the theme to love boat, and then from below the dildos I started to hear an evil laugh. That witch from the hallway was lying underneath the dildos, cackling with pleasure, for she hadn't yet realized she wasn't alone anymore. So I picked up one of the dildos, which I found to be made of kryptonite. I thought to myself, if I were superman, this kryptonite would probably be a bitch, but seeing how I'm just a regular Joe I can sell all these dildos on eBay and make a fortune! I proceeded to beat the old hag to death with the glowing cock, for I had had it up to here with her tom-foolery, but being the necrophiliac that I am, I fucked that witch good and shoved the kryptonite dildo up her ass. Feeling more than satisfied, I lit up a smoke, but then the thought crossed my mind, "I have know idea where this witch has been", so I pulled a small bottle of sani-gel from my pocket and sanitized my hands. That sani-gel stung like a bitch at first, but boy, do I like the smell of summer peach, so I sucked it up. I then decided it would be a good idea to defecate upon the corpse of the witch, and I did. Just then I heard the whirring of sirens and the ultimate dilemma came upon me and I figured I had 3 choices: 1) make it seem like everything I was doing, including squatting over a dead corpse pinching a loaf, was completely and utterly normal, 2) run, and 3) shoot. Holding my weapon shoulder high, I took aim in the direction of the approaching, speeding cop cars and began to empty the chamber - they will not take me - not right now. I was in no mood to be interrogated so I just kept firing at the approaching vehicle. Unfortunately for me, I had used so much sani-gel earlier the gun slipped out of my hands, so I took the kryptonite solar powered dildo which I strangely inserted in my assistant's bag during the defecation and tossed it at the oncoming cars. I took off out the back door and through an alleyway, but couldn't move too quickly because my pants were still down around my ankles, so I guess I must've looked like a bare ass penguin. The kryptonite dildo struck the cop car in the windshield and made a small insignificant pinging sound as it deflected off the car and into the street - As the cop car screeched to a halt a few from where I stood, a mother fuckin' cop stepped out of the car and pointed his gun right in my face. I instinctively dove back through the door of the warehouse. I decided it was time to get serious and I pulled out my pipe as fast as I could and started puffin some PCP. The thought had crossed my mind that Bart was in some kind of danger, since an android had taken his place and what not, but I was too high to care anymore. As high as I was from the PCP, and the sani-gel still wet on my hands, I had to rub one off before I died. Little did I know the PCP was laced with radioactive material and the uranium rich load I shot landed on the cop car and disintegrated it. Immediately I had an idea. Like some sort of super hero, I began cranking load after load of what appeared to be super destructive, radioactive semen at my pursuers, annihilating the lot of them. The scene was straight out of a Spiderman comic....white goo everywhere; I decided it was time to vamoos. I pulled up my pants, took a bow, and began walking down the street, humming to the tune of Buddy Holly's, “Everyday”.
I still had no wheels, so I started hiking down an old dirt road. I walked for nearly an hour and I was now approaching a small village, the time was nearly dawn. I suddenly realized that I had not popped one off in a while, beginning to hope there was a whorehouse in the town I was rapidly approaching. I got impatient and started masturbating as I walked closer to the village. Suddenly a giant hawk flew off a tree limb and pecked off my dick forming a bloody, radioactive mess. Lucky for me, I had a spare. When I arrived at my destination, I was covered in semen. As it turns out the "village" was an abandoned military base, so I quickly looked to find the armory. I quickly ran past the leggory, torsoory, and made my way to the armory until I noticed the door to the headory slightly ajar, but since I didn’t know what the fuck a headory was, I kept going. I ran to get a dictionary to quickly look up the word headory to see if going back to that slightly ajar door marked headory could help me, but when I looked in the dictionary headory wasn't there and a slow chill crept up my spine. I saw the witch's head hanging from the ceiling, along with Bart's.
"Damn", I thought. "This witch is having a worse day than I am." At which point I pulled her head down and skull fucked her for with my new replacement penis for good measure. After my jolly time with the witch's head, I had a good cry over realizing my old friend Bart was truly dead. After a good cry, I loaded up with weapons and ammo and strapped the jet pack that was conveniently left next to Bart's dead body - cocked, locked and ready to rock; I hit the start button on the jet pack and began to ascend into the air at just under mach 1. I finally got near a god damned civilized village and proceeded to blow it all to hell. I needed to find a doctor because I forgot to step outside before I fired up the jet pack and cracked my skull open when I blasted through the roof of the headory at mach 1. I found another village and asked a man on the street where I could find a doctor to help fix my head up, and he replied that the best doctor in the region was in the village I had recently demolished, so I shot the guy because he made me feel bad. I was beginning to grow very fond of killing people, especially young women and children.
"This jet pack sure has a lot of fuel for roaming town to town," I thought. I was clipping along when all of the sudden a very large craft, appearing to be not of this world, hovered in front of me - a door opened and small fighter craft began to pour out. Looking inside the cockpit window, it appeared to be a race of Amazon super models who wear only high heels and lingerie. I looked at the one to the far left and thought, "There’s my bitch." All of the sexy aliens then proceeded to start up what is now known as the largest intergalactic orgy in history, needless to say, I felt kind of tired by the time I was through...with all of them. I was drained and all I could think about was how good aliens were in bed and that I was hungry. To my surprise, I had discovered the veritable 'kryptonite' of this race of aliens: human sperm; when injected with sperm, the tissue of the aliens slowly melted away and killed them from the inside out. I was so pissed because I had inadvertently killed off an entire race of babes that wanted me to be their sex toy. What a bummer, but enough of feeling bad, I had to get to Manny's house because he said something about a rib cook-off. If there is one thing in this entire universe that I love more than slinging' intergalactic pussy, it's ribs. My hunger for ribs was beginning to get out of control, I could almost taste them, so I took the Vietnamese hooker out of my closet ripped out her lowest rib Adam-style. It was a long rib, several feet in fact, so I used it to pole vault all the way to Manny's cookout. Finally I got to Manny's and threw the rest of the ribs on the BBQ, but then the son of a bitch ran out of propane. But he was so cool (coolest dude ever) and farted into the tank so we had methane instead of propane. The methane gave me the runs though, so I went to the bathroom where I found a busted toilet. No problem for me because I shit in his sink and wiped my ass with his toothbrush. Manny came in a minute later with some ribs stuck in between his teeth, but he thought the brown stuff was probably BBQ sauce from a previous night and brushed away.