Shit Ass the Cat

Once upon a time there lived a cat that had poop encrusted in the fur on it’s rear end.  It was called “Shit Ass The Cat”.  Shit Ass the Cat lived at Jacob’s house(you know which Jacob I’m talking about).  No one liked Shit Ass, not just because of the shit in its fur but also because it was a mean fucker.  I mean, this cat… you’d try to pet it(on the non shit encrusted area of course) and the bastard would try and bite you.

But what no one knew was that Shit Ass The Cat was a magical cat.  Anyone who would clean the shit out of its fur would be granted one wish.  The reason Shit Ass was so mean is that he needed to test that persons patience to make sure they were truly worthy.

One day a young girl named Gwyneth Paltrow was visiting Jacob’s house and she felt very sorry for Shit Ass the Cat.  She saw that no one treated this cat kindly, they did not even wash the shit out of its fur.  She became determined to clean shit ass the cat.

“Shit Ass the Cat”, she said.  “Even though you are not a nice cat every cat deserves a nice coat of fur, or at least no shit in its fur.  I am going to clean you and maybe then you will be a nicer kitty cat because you will feel better. ”

But as she reached down to pick up Shit Ass the Cat to put him in the bathtub Shit Ass the Cat clawed the crap out of her.  She started screaming and Jacob came in.

“What’s going on in here?”, Jacob asked.

“I was trying to clean that fuckin cat and it clawed me up”, said Gwyneth Paltrow.

Jacob was pissed.

“That fucking cat, I’m so fucking sick of it.  FUCK THAT FUCKING CAT!”

Gywneth Paltrow agreed wholeheartedly.

So later that afternoon Jacob and his dad put Shit Ass The Cat in a burlap sack and abandoned him on the side of the freeway.



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