Ryan Seacrest

Ryan Seacrest is my worst enemy. Our constant battle has received little to no media coverage however. I am writing to change that.

Ryan Seacrest isn't just an amiable radio and T.V. host, he is in fact amassing an army for his seemingly unstoppable takeover of the United States government. Not only is this a dick move, but it will cause a global meltdown of epic proportions.

You might be saying, "Dude, Ryan Seacrest is hella nice." Well that's just what he wants you to think. In reality he is using his boyish charm to brainwash you and control you through subliminal and superliminal messages. Yeah I know, I was surprised as well. The past two years I have been trying to wage war with him, but he has already amassed enough power to prevent me from breaking through his spirit of protection spell. Even my divine light of penetration spell is ineffective at disabling his magic.

So now in my time of desparation I ask you, people of the world, please help me conjur up enough magic energy to finally penetrate Ryan Seacrest and end his campaign of global dominance which will undoubtedly lead to pain and terror. All you need to do is to focus your negative energy directly at Ryan Seacrest. If we all collectively focus our energies against him, the spirit of protection spell will be broken. With his spell shield disabled, we can finally see the true nature of the beast within the heartwarming shell of Ryan Seacrest.

Please contact me directly if you would like to help me organize a global press conference to get the word out. Also please tell a friend or two.

Stop Seacrest