964 Pinocchio Sucks
If you have seen this movie all the way through I feel fucking sorry for you. I watched about 45 minutes of this steaming pile of shit and that was all I could take.
I saw the cover at the video store I work at. Needless to say it makes you take a second look. It's like awesome, maybe it's about a killer Pinocchio doll that is bad ass. Whatever it is, it's gotta be crazy from the cover. Before picking this up I knew there would be a fine line between being insane and absofuckinlutely retarded. Well this movie is fucking retarded. I read the back and I should have just fucking put the movie down at that point. The description says it's supposed to be something like the dream of a sex andriod or some bullshit. At this point I was naturally skeptical, but I figured what the fuck I have already seen most of the movies I wanna see in this place. I put the stupid ass movie in and moments later I'm already pissed off. It turns out that this Pinocchio dude looks like some little bitch nothing like the dude on the cover. It starts off with him doing it with some crazy ass asian bitches. Then they throw his ass out on the street because they are super fucking pissed at him, kind of like how pissed I was about how much of a little bitch he turned out to be. Then there is some random lady out of no where that gets kicked out of some place which parallels Pinocchio's struggle I guess. She's fuckin sitting in the street like a fucking dirty ass whore bum and sees this fucking bitch looking little piece of shit Pinocchio faggot and starts staring at him. Of course he is wailing around like a fucking lunatic and no one seems to fucking notice. If some dipshit was acting like this mother fucker in the streets where I was walking, I wouldn't hesitate to beat him with a fucking baseball bat. God damn I can't continue describing how much I hate these fucking characters until you can see them, so look:
For some reason this stupid ass bitch (the girl) takes this other stupid ass bitch (the guy, Pinocchio) to some area she miraculously found in some random place. So the whole time the guy is like a fucking baby left on the doorstep of the fuckin church, and she finds a tattoo that says Pinocchio so what does this fucking stupid ass lame whore bitch start doing? SHE FUCKING REPEATS PINOCCHIO OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN! At this point I'm about ready to start wailing on my TV with a god damn crowbar, but I just mute it and for some god forsaken reason I still continue watching to see what happens. Well pretty much fucking nothing for a while, just walking around and her saying Pinocchio and him acting like a fucking hobo that just smoked some crack, absolutely fucking retarded. Ok so I start fast forwarding and then out of no where some more bullshit happens. I guess it turns out he was indeed a sex andriod or some shit, BUT he was kicked out of this crazy horny bitch's house because he couldn't get a hard on. Wow what fucking great plot development. Who thought this fucking story up, a sexually abused chimpanzee? Pretty soon after I don't remember a lot of details because I was constantly fast forwarding to see if something cool would happen. I don't know why I was so delirious, maybe the movie sucked so bad at this point I figured what the fuck it can't get worse right? FUCKING DEAD WRONG. Out of no where Pinocchio fucking starts bubbling up and turning into some bullshit and the lady starts going fucking insane and the stupidest scene in the history of all movies is due up once this shit starts. She starts puking. Ok I guess it's understandable because she just saw some crazy shit. But then she walks over a little more then pukes again. Ok I've seen enough, but then she starts puking again, and again. I start fast forwarding this shit, 2x, 4x, 8x, 16x, and she is still fucking walking around puking. That's where I fucking shut the movie off and never watched any more of it. I still have a burned copy of it that I plan on giving someone as a gift. Although I only watched about 1/3 of the movie I'm sure I understand the plot as much as anyone that watched the whole thing.
Bottom Line: This is probably the stupidest bullshit I have ever seen. I could make a more coherent movie about a bird that is addicted to peyote and wants to star in a broadway show. Pop this movie in on a date if you never want to see that person ever again. The only redeeming quality of this movie is you get to see some asian bitch's titties for a little while.
I give it a big SUCKS MY ASS award: