Hostel


Hostel sucks. It's hard to say much else about this crappy movie, but I will attempt to do so. First off I only saw the second half of this movie, but people have told me that's when the action starts anyways. Apparently all the first half is, is some dudes boning some bitches and then the bitches betray the dudes and sell them to the super torture deluxe service. So yeah I saw the movie from after the dudes were kidnapped on, and I didn't miss any major plot development. This fact highlights that the story of this movie blows. Ok so I'm watching to see the torturing and stuff, I'm interested in seeing how suspensful it gets and if it's going to be scary. Well there was really no suspense, and it certainly wasn't scary. It was just gruesome, and even the gore was arguably comical. The dialogue between the main character dude and one of the torture clients is stupid. That whole scene should have been deleted. Fuck it the whole movie should have been burned. I especially like the quote they have on the above movie poster, "The scariest American movie in a decade." What the fuck movies has that guy been watching? Oh yeah I forgot they just paid his ass some money to straight up lie. Saying that Hostel was scary is like saying Fantastic 4 was action packed. It is a straight up lie.

Honestly let's evaluate why this crapfest isn't scary. A successfully scary movie can make you jump in your seat because of a perfectly timed scene of suspense. Hostel doesn't even try to scare you, well besides scaring you from visiting Europe. It just shows the dudes come into the rooms, they are like, "Blah blah I'm demented, I like to torture, but I'm too much of a piece of shit to actually kidnap someone myself so I pay some douchebags to do it for me. That just proves how much of a gluttonous American slob I am, I can't even be bothered to kidnap my own torture victim." Then the person about to be tortured is like, "I have some shit in my mouth so I can't talk." Then the dude is like, "Ok well I'm gonna torture you, it's gonna rule, for me." And then he does his thing and the audience is witness to some gruesome scene of mutilation.

Ok so the main character gets away somehow, I forgot the details but I'm sure it wasn't really important anyways. The only important part is that somehow he gets revenge for what happened to him. This is really the only redeeming part of the movie because revenge is one of the best things ever.

Bottom Line: So basically this movie sucks, and if you are determined to check it out then just watch the last 20 minutes or so but no more than that. The rest is a giant waste of time.


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