If I Couldn't Masturbate...


God damn sometimes the only thing that keeps me from fucking eating my own feces is knowing that I can masturbate. Without it, I would probably end up trying to blow up the world by starting a nuclear war. Of course maybe just listening to Atmosphere would be sufficient to overcome the lack of masturbation, but it would probably only be a matter of time before I assassinate Bill O'Reilly and George Straight.

After I take them out (they are the leaders of the Anti - Life organization) then I can proceed to assume leadership of the Democratic Party. Given my background, I will easily elected into presidential office. After I become President, I will declare nuclear war on North Korea and completely disregard all of Congress. After starting a nuclear war with North Korea, the world will go insane. Russia will launce about 14 nukes and completely annihilate England and Germany. After England, Germany, and North Korea are gone, the Middle Eastern countries will declare the Jihad and they will begin invading Europe with terrorist armies. Italy will only provide slight resistance until out of no where, Pakistan nukes the Vatican and sends the United States into a turmoil. I will call a nuclear strike on Australia and Pakistan to retaliate. Within a matter of moments, Canada, after hundreds of years of peace, will declare war on Mexico, knowing that they will easily win. I will allow Canada to pass through the U.S. to attack Mexico. Now China has been silent for long enough, they decide to go all out against Japan, the bastards that have been bossing them around since the beginning of time. China (recently a world renown nuclear power, its 2035) completely destroys Japan. Israel is enraged, Japan was their strongest ally in these new times. Israel goes head on into Asia to dominate the entire continent, Russia included. The crazy ass Jews get as far as the Chinese border before being fuckin nuked up the ass. China figures why not keep nuking and nukes Russia at the same time I order a nuclear strike on Russia. Russia retaliates before they cease to be, and launch an all out assualt on the moon colonies set up by the U.S. and also sends nukes to key capital cities in the U.S. (Washington D.C., New York, and Chicago.) I immediatly flee the country as does my entire staff, leaving the country without leadership once the bombs start falling. I cannot go to the moon colonies though, because they have been destroyed and the moon has split in two halves. Estimated time before the two halves crash right into the Earth is 38 hours. The world is pretty much over now though so it doesn't matter. Iran, desparate to get in some sucker punches, launches like 7 nukes to destroy Brazil. Little does everyone know, but I have been working on a secret operation. I am ready to initiate it, I have drilled a very large hole close to the center of the earth and stockpiled around 50 of the strongest nuclear missles ever as far down as possible. I press the button and watch in Air Force One as the world explodes into 6 different rugged pieces and then Air Force One is engulfed in flames and thats how I die.

So thats what would happen if I couldn't ever masturbate ever again basically.


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