The Face Party
The Face Party Platform:
- If elected we will instate a nationwide religion and change the name of the United States to the Republic of Sam. The fundamentals of our new religion will be to worship Sam because he is the God of the Multiverse (refer to the movie The One for more information on the multiverse). Why worship Sam you might ask? Well it is simple, Sam has been our friend for a while now, and until recently, we thought of him as just another one of the guys. About 3 or 4 months ago, Sam finally revealed his true form to Ed and me. He appointed Edward his loyal guardian and granted him super powers and a magical sword. I was appointed to be his Supreme Minister of Religious Practices for the Church of Sam. We were the first two people to witness his awesome power for thousands of years. The only reason Sam has revealed his true form now to us is because the country is in turmoil. He wants to instate his guidance into our country’s political system, and he has chosen us to run for the presidency.
- So now you know why we are running. Now I will tell you a little more about our plans. One of our goals is the legalization of drugs, namely marijuana. We feel that it has been too long since marijuana was legal, and that it will make everyone much happier. Another thing that we would do, is probably create a large new government agency. It will be in charge of finding anyone who dislikes Sam and eliminate them. We will cleanse the nation of all anti-Sam activists. Anyone who doesn’t particularly agree with Sam in a non-hostile way will be placed in a Sam Camp. The Sam Camps will be designed to show people the light of Sam and all that he stands for. They will be given a choice, to love Sam and live, or to deny Sam and be killed.
- Another goal of ours will be to legalize Sam’s use of magic, which shouldn’t be hard because if Congress does not agree, we will abolish them. Sam will only use his magic in times of extreme turmoil and if there is a major uprising against Sam. The only reason Sam will only use his magic on rare occasions is because he must be left alone to deal with the Multiverse. My job, along with Ed’s, is the keep the country in order through the use of our newly instated agency. We will be in charge of directing the military operations of our country and also making sure Sam’s law is enforced. We will also be in charge of the economy.
- Our economic goals will be to tax the rich the same percentage as everyone else is taxed, since we all know trickle down economics is the best. We will also help create some independent agencies in charge of getting people on Welfare back into the workplace, producing ammunition and weapons to supply our Crusades, which are to be discussed in just a bit. Another economic goal of ours is to tax the drugs that we legalize, but not heavily, just enough to make a decent profit. The taxation rate is unknown as of now because of the lack of information. There will also be government maintained opium dens. They will also generate revenue for the country.
- Now, for our military plans. The ultimate goal will be to instate the Church of Sam in each and every country and then to invite them into the Republic of Sam. If they refuse, they will be forced into the Republic of Sam, which is what we will call the United States once elected, another one of our brilliant ideas. This is how our world domination campaign will begin. We will invite each and every country into the Republic of Sam. Those that deny will be given a warning. Basically we will tell them to join the Republic and turn over their government to us, or we will bitch slap them, meaning we will assault their country. As for Iraq, they will probably be the first new country assimilated into the Republic of Sam because they lack a government at this point and need religious guidance. We will also do everything within our power to eliminate all nuclear, chemical, and biological weapons. Our goal is to have armies fight with swords again because it looks cooler and makes for great epic battles, but we realize this is probably not a realistic goal. Another reason why our military plan is good, is that it will give everyone jobs and we won’t have to worry about unemployment.
- We will also want to beef up the space program and try to get colonies built on Mars as fast as possible so that if there really is life on Mars, we can show them the awesome power of Sam and amalgamate them into the Republic of Sam. With an advanced space program we can also start building incredibly powerful weapons that will be able to strike any country in the world, making our campaign much easier.
- Now as far as hot babes go, we will want to make sure that no hot babes are harmed in the midst of all this conflict because they are a valuable commodity. Sam has taught us that the use of hot babes for pleasure brings about happiness so what better way to help keep the republic happy than to try our best to supply the regular working men of our country hot babes. We will also try to incorporate the shipment of hot babes overseas to our soldiers, giving them that extra edge other soldiers just don’t have. If the hot babes are in any way opposed to their treatment, we will use drugs to sedate them so that they will no longer care. This is the will of Sam. If people do not receive hot babes from the government it is because we will probably be on short supply, but we will always keep a small reserve that people can purchase from until we conquer another country and salvage the hot babes from the conquered country.
- “This doesn’t sound like a very democratic country!” is what you might be thinking, but don’t be discouraged! After the great cleansing is complete, we will allow people to live freely making choices again. We trust that after the great cleansing, everyone will make the right choice. If this isn’t the case however we will probably have to dispose of the nuisance in a timely manner, so the normal Sam loving people will go on with their lives, celebrating Sam and his empire. When election time comes around, everyone will make the right choice and vote for my presidency to continue. “What about the Constitution?” you might ask. Well to you I must say, “What Constitution?” See under the Republic of Sam, there will be no need for a silly constitution, everyone will already have what they desire, the Church of Sam.
- The structure of the government will immediately change once we are elected. Like I stated earlier, if Congress opposes any of our actions, they will cease to exist as of that point. The office of president shall be renamed to Supreme Minister of Religious Practices for the Church of Sam, which is my current status under the Church of Sam. The Vice President will be the Guardian of Sam, which is currently Ed’s status under the Church of Sam. The powers of the Guardian of Sam were stated in the first section of our platform. The judicial branch will be led by the Supreme Council of the Church of Sam, replacing the Supreme Court. Sam will appoint the 5 council members through his divine vision.
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